In Jungian theory, the shadow is the subconscious - the part of ourselves that is unknown to us, yet directs so much of our behavior. Thus the motivation - the quest - of life, is to know, to understand; to master the shadow if you will. For to master the shadow is to know ourselves and to to master our lives.
Ok, I wasn't exactly tagged, but imaginekp left the options open enough that I can pretend that I was. . . lol
So here we go. We're not supposed to confirm or deny so all I will say that everyone I address here is on my friends list.
List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation.' Tag five (5) people.
1. I know you don't really believe this, but you were the first person that I was really comfortable being "out" around. . . in fact you were kind of the one who showed me that it was ok to be gay and taught me a lot about life. OK, yes, some people do think it's kind of funny that my "coming-out" example was a lesbian, but hey, it worked!
2. There’s so many things. . . and stuffs that I could say about you. We’ve known each other for a heck of a long time now and there are times that I have felt somewhat of a “coming out mentor” for you. . . and that’s really been fun. :-) You’ve had rough spots here and there, but you’re doing really well. Good luck with the internship position, and if you get it remember that DC is very close to NYC so you SO have to come see me and experience the NYC nightlife - it’ll blow O-Town to shame.
3. I think you have a lot of potential in ways you don't really see. From reading your journal over the years, I almost get a sense that you tend to set yourself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy in that while you put a lot of pressure on yourself to achieve certain goals at the same time you defeat the purpose by telling yourself that you're not as smart, etc. as others seem to think you are and that causes you anxiety at times. So, continue to set goals, but get rid of the self-hate. Be who you are - not what others want you to be - and you'll do great.
4. I haven’t talked to you in forever! Last time was when you “pulled a Monica” and let me use you as a pillow during my tattoo in NYC. Love ya to death girl and I hope that we can spend more time together when I move up north next month!
5. It's completely appropriate that it is pouring down rain as I write about you. You try and try again to get people to understand you and generally people don't. You're a complex and fascinating person and unfortunately in our community (especially the subset of it in NWA) don't really take the time or care to understand the complex. I know it can be frustrating, but know that you're amazing - embrace the complexity of your personality and use it to your advantage. . . people with a mysterious edge about them can be incredibly attractive, and since you're already quite attractive, learning how to use that mystery can give you the sense of control you sometimes seek. For some reason, one phrase seems to resonate in my head whenever I think of you and that is, "Timing is everything."
6. You've gone through a lot of changes over the past few years and while there are times when I wonder, "What might have been" if circumstances were slightly different, perhaps things have worked out for the best. You seem to be happy now and I hope that trend continues for you.
7. Our friendship has had it's high and low moments, but that's because we're both stubborn bitches that think we know what's best for each other lol. I love you to death - I mean who else would have listened to the neurotic mess I was during my second year as an RA without slapping me repeatedly? I have one major thought when I think of you, "Is the city ready for the scary combination of the two of us?"
8. There are times when you're not as confident as you should be because in many ways, everything is so new to you. You've been out for a short while but have yet to really experience the dating world and are just now finishing up your first year of college and I know that change is scary. But come on, I've told you no telling how many times that you're the cutest thing ever and you should know that if I say it, it's true so stop arguing!! ;-) But if you want help to kind of get your feet wet in a place where the gay community is huge, come visit me in NYC and I'll be your guide to all things great a gay lol. And if you don't think that you're the cutest thing ever when you get there, I will see it as my job to make you believe it by the time you leave.
9. We are way too much alike sometimes and while 99% of the time that's good, there's that 1% that we need to look out for that will cause the words, "You bitch!” to ring, doors to slam and then 15 minutes later will result in a phone call to see where we’re going to dinner that night. . . lol
10. You spend an incredible amount of time hiding behind a mask because you're afraid that if people saw the real you, they wouldn't like you and that is unacceptable for you. What you don't realize is that the person behind the mask is the most loving and beautiful person I've ever met. A big part of me will always love the person behind the mask, but the rest of me will always hate the mask.
You scored as Angel. You're Angel! Again, we don't know much about you. You love life, but you killed a dog. You fall in love with Collins quickly. You seem to just go with what life throws at you. You're a good person, though- an Angel of the first degree. Keep living and keep loving it!
I was thinking the other day that I have changed a lot since I took on the name MSPhoenix and since I have changed so much, I thught it was time to change the name of the LJ. So now, I am MastertheShadow which I will explain in the box on the top of my main journal page. I have set it so that anytime you enter msphoenix, it will link to the new name and if you were on my friends list before the name change, you are still on the friends list now.
Sep. 1st, 2005 @ 05:22 am Yep, I had nothing to do. . .
. . .unless you count those Neuropsychological Evaluations I'm supposed to be working on. . .but of course I don't.
So, since I had gotten some new friend requests from people at Nova on Facebook, I decided to play with it for a bit and found some people from Arkansas. . . so I poked them. . . which is kind of a useless tool I guess, but it makes my name pop up on their page. . . so yay! lol.
I quickly got bored with Facebook thou because you can only look at someone's profile if you're friends and that just doesn't amuse me. So I jumped to myspace.
While I was there, I decided that I would post the picture that I hate because of my facial expression, but it's the only decent one I have of the newer tattoo, so yeah it's online now. So then, I decided to just do some random searching and that led me to the question, "What is up with all the bi boys in Florida?" I mean seriously, there are a lot of them. There are also a lot of shirtless boys, but I chalk that up to the fact that it's Florida and it's fucking hot here all the fucking time. . I mean, I look out my window and see 5 or so shirtless boys a day. . .so yeah.
Then I figured out that I can search people who have listed my high school as one of their schools and since I'm always up for looking at Harrison people and laughing, I decided to check it out since I'm always up for some good natured cyber-stalking. There were only like 15 people that would admit they went to school there, so it didn't take long, but one of the boys was HOT. So I click on him thinking he looks kind of familiar, but I know I haven't met him before, so I check his other pics. Turns out he's the little brother of a boy I used to stalk take a lot of pictures of when I was "working" for yearbook in high school.*
So bored with Harrison, I turned the search to UA (and no, if you got a friend request from me tonight, you were not involved in my good natured search for information lol) and found something interesting that relates to a telephone call I had last night (and if the person that called me is reading this he / she should figure it out) but that is all I will say here. I also found the boy some of us know as PSYCHO (that would be the first one - K - and not the second - H) and reading his profile really, really made me wonder what the hell the boy I was obsessed with liked at the time was thinking by dating him. I was almost hoping to find a profile of the actual boy saying that he was looking for boys and cause a SCANDAL, but alas, that did not happen.
Once again, bored with that. . . I turned to PlanetOut Personals - a site I haven't been on in like 3 years, and decided to search the Fayetteville profiles. Since 3 of the 61 profiles in a 40 mile radius had pictures that I had taken on them, this shows that I have friends who either 1) haven't been on PlanetOut in awhile or 2) don't care to update their profiles. But I also found some interesting headlines. Now I hope that these kind of headlines are restricted to Arkansas, because um. . . yeah. .
1) Little puppy needs a home - Um, am I at PlanetOut or the website for the SPCA? 2) If ya lucky, jump on - Cha! More like, if you're lucky and I'm really bored and desperate. . . which I'm not. . . in fact, I've never been that bored in my life 3) Sweat tasting bitch with a body - I seriously hope that that is a typo or a unfortunate lack of spelling skills, if not that's just nasty and you know, I don't want to know how he knows. . .
So, what did I learn tonight? That I'm really a catty, catty bitch. But that's ok. . . While I might not have been "one of the pretty ones" in Arkansas, Apparently I'm hot in Florida (and not because of the damn sun lol) so I feel I have the right to be catty when it comes to boys in Arkansas because I've more than paid my dues in that state. Really, the reflective mood that made me go back and look at Arkansas was sparked by a conversation with my Dad when he mentioned that Fayetteville is growing a lot and would prob be a good job market for my field. Um, at the moment, I don't see Arkansas in my future, so yeah, keep the hope alive, Dad.
*In my defense, I was a sad, lonely gay boy with no fashion sense in high school, so yearbook and taking pictures of cute boys was my only outlet. . .and I'm like 90% sure that this boy was in the closet anyway because I was walking down Sophomore hall one day and he was sitting on the floor before class and looked up at me and told me that I really filled out my jeans. . . so um, looking at my crotch is not exactly reinforcing my opinion of him as the butch football player he tried to be on the bench all year. ..
. . .and I had to have something to do while watching the cheesiest movie ever - Bring it on Again. It's almost painful to watch, but I must admit: I was sucked in. lol
And apparently, I'm in a jovial mood tonight judging by my answers, lol.
Jul. 24th, 2005 @ 07:09 pm As if tropical storms and hurricanes weren't enough. . .
So, as many of you may know, last year was an interesting year for Florida with 4 hurricanes. This year, we've gotten some rain from a hurricane and a couple of misses from tropical storms. So what is the latest thing of nature to come to Florida?
A Sandstorm. . .
that's right. . .a sandstorm. . all the way from the Sahara. . . *shakes head*
Not much going on here, just the routine of seeing clients and such, but I just wanted to mention that I was reading online that Studio 716 back in Fayetteville, the town's only exclusively gay club (the other places are straight clubs that have gay nights unless something has changed since I moved) burned down not long ago and police suspect arson. I was kind of shocked, but it's good that it was closed at the time so no one was hurt.
I have to do laundry and do some cleaning. . . and I have to go to campus tomorrow because I have to turn in my weekly report of clinical activity because I didn't do it today. . .
. ..but then.. 9:00 tomorrow night, off to New York City I go. And you know what? We have tickets to Rent on broadway that are THIRD ROW ORCHESTRA!!! That's like friggen amazing. Anyway . . I guess I should be off to bed so I can actually get up and do all of this stuff tomorrow.
Current Mood: amused Current Music:Loser - Lady Saw featuring Ce'Cile
Ok, after repeated coaxing, pleading and down right threats from someone who will remain nameless lol, I have finally joined Facebook. So all you college people out there that want to add me, I'm under the name "JC Murray" at Nova. I searched and sent friend requests to 1 or 2 of you that I knew had accounts. Other than that, ya have fine meh! (lol, I've got to stop listening to regaee!)
For those of you not in college and thus not able to be on facebook that haven't added me on MySpace and want to: http://www.myspace.com/mastertheshadow
I've also decided to start using AIM after being somewhat isolationist for the past few weeks. No promises for online status, but it's at least open again.
Speaking of Regaee, I love this song. It's Loser by Lady Saw featuring Ce'Cile. It's an awesome song, but might be hard to understand if you don't grasp Patois. You should try anyway. . .lol
Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 07:30 am Random Musings before bed. . .
. . .and yes, I do know what time it is and how sad it is that this hour is "before bed" to me.
I know I've been somewhat quiet lately and that's due to a few reasons - 1)not a hell of a lot has happened 2) I just finished 2 weeks of finals since which I have done as LITTLE as possible and 3) I've found myself almost pulling away from the computer a bit to the point that during finals my away message was almost always up and . . . AIM on my computer is picky and likes to freeze randomly. I had to force it closed 2 days ago and have yet to open it back up. ..that's kind of odd for me, but I haven't really felt like chatting online. . so *eh
But yes, I am in 7 day break or so from school duties - summer practicum work starts up next week. I'll be working in the Psychological Assessment Center (PAC) in which I will be learning a multitude of psychological tests in order to assess clients that have been referred by therapists wanting to know more about them before considering therapy or in some cases, clients that want to know more about themselves. Before that though, I'll be heading up to Tampa tomorrow (Wednesday) to spend some time with Dawn since I really haven't been near Tampa much at all this year (2005) as of yet.
Things with Anthony continue to go - it hardly seems it, but yeah, it's been like a month now. .. finals are over and I'm still waiting the posting of my final grades.
And now, for the musings that I alluded to in the subject of this post:
So now, with the clarity of hindsight. . .it's not surprising that I've had some difficulty - especially if you factor in my emotional nature (as long time readers of this journal are aware), but it's different now. "I'm all for keeping your culture, but at the same time, you have to know how to adjust." And not only have I adjusted (at least I think I have anyway) but I've noticed a change in myself too. I talked about it a bit in that post about emotions, but really it's true. For whatever reason, I feel more in control of myself these days. I joke with Karyn and Sophia that dating an 18 year old makes me feel old since I'll be 23 in less than a month (and that really is a joke because his being 18 doesn't bother me in the least), but perhaps that statement does have some truth in it because, perhaps it is that I have grown a lot in the past 9 months and grown tremendously from who I was at 18 - that boy going to college for the first time, terrified of being out to more than his close friends. Has the change been good? Well that, I can only tell with time.
Marco: You want to help, call me an idiot. Craig: you're an idiot? Marco: I can't go downstairs, I can't go in there, I can't talk to Dylan. What am I doing here? *Dylan enters* *Marco kisses Craig* Dylan: Ok. . . Craig: What was that? When in doubt, kiss Craig? Marco: I need to work this out with Dylan. Craig: Yeah!
LOL, that was like the best scene ever. But yeah, unless you live in Canada (or spent a few hours downloading) you haven't seen that episode of Degrassi yet. . .
Basically, Dylan told Marco that he wants to "open the relationship" a bit. . .and Marco tried to make him jealous. . .Craig was not amused. . . ;-)
Apr. 19th, 2005 @ 02:39 am My mind never ceases to amaze me. . .
Current Mood: amused
Ok, this semester has been an interesting one for me in the way of class. I have been like super lazy and since I'm in "big people's" school now (AKA: Doctoral Level Graduate Study) that's not so good. So, I think I've finally got all the weird little things that have made me want to sleep in and all that jazz under wraps and get to a point where I want to try to rededicate myself to actually putting effort into school for the first time in my life (up to this point, I haven't actually had to put effort into school, it just kind of took care of itself). Anyway, my mind has apparently found a new way to fool me.
Example: I had a lot of paper work to do today and I was also going to interview Becca for one of my classes. Well, around 9:30 or so, I hear an IM and I figure it is Becca since I IM'ed her before going to bed to see if she was still free. So I get up and check the IM to see what it says and it says that something came up at the last minute and she wants to know if we can reschedule. So I think, "OK, since I don't have to meet her at 1. I can sleep a bit more and then get up and do paperwork. So I get up about noon. Now if Becca is reading this she is probably thinking, "WTF? That's not what it said." What happened is I heard the IM in my sleep and then dreamed that I got up and checked the IM. The only reason I actually got up at noon is that something woke me up and I remembered reading the IM and I was like, "Wait a minute, I remember reading the IM, but that doesn't seem like a real memory since it's fuzzy and I don't really remember walking to the computer." So I get out of bed and see that the IM says that she's still free. . .
So I call Becca and tell her that if it's ok with her I'll put the interview for class off until tomorrow since I have a lot of paperwork to do yadda yadda yadda. . .and then 10 minutes later I decide that the interview would be easier to do first and then to work on the paperwork so I don't have to monopolize her time tomorrow so I call her back at the risk of sounding nuts. . .lol. But all was well. We went to Ruby Tuesday after and I came back and did some of the paperwork.
And this isn't the first time that something like this has happened, but it is a new development and I'm just sitting here thinking about how messed up that really is. . .that I am now dreaming in context and in real-time situations that would let me sleep longer, rest more etc. *shakes head*
Mar. 27th, 2005 @ 03:32 am Saturday in the world of JC. . .
Current Music: The Saturday Soundtrack - by me!
. . . and this will likely make sense to only me, but that's the fun of it!
Sleep, blissful sleep
I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch.
Phone rings - awake
But when I need you baby, you're never there.
Computer trouble with Terry, quick fix, scans like new!
First you say, you're too busy, I wonder if you even miss me. . .
Karyn's back - food, hungry, hungry, hungry
Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've got love in my tummy. ..
Random thought from the one who embraces the rain and the one spinning round in it. . .
You save it, and wait for. . . that rainy day.
Thoughts like rain from the shadow of the mind. . .
Look at the sky, one time, and you'll see, it's pouring.
Piles of paper, strewn around. . . must somehow become one coherent paper about obesity. . . piles still there.
But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.
Movie time with Karyn. . . Sister you better get that Act together.
Rocking with Lauryn Hill
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud. ..
The dance is on, yet is there any one waiting around to Save the Last one?
Might be a mistake, I'm sick of making. . .
Drama drama drama from the undergrads - apparently now my protectors and airing their own frustrations with a president of a certain other group
Yet again, alone. . . but then there is the Party with Honey Daniels down in the BQE.
Sing it Romeo
Look dis young romey lookin for a homey, a little juliet, who say she'll console me. When i'm all lonely, knows how to hold me, a little tight shawty, know what i mean.
1AM, still going. . . take the Sentra and hit the ground running. . .
We be Jammin' we be Jammin' yeah!
Tamarac dead, head down University
On the phone long, long distance. Always through such strong resistance
Sunrise, Plantation, and 595 through Davie. ..*waves to NSU*
Strumming my pain. . .
Lauderdale, Lauderdale by the Sea, and 95 up to Sawgrass.
I can open your eyes Take you wonder by wonder Over, sideways and under On a magic carpet ride
441 - Coral Springs, Margate, Tamarac - Commercial
Back at one. . . you're like a dream come true. . .
Now see, wasn't that much more fun than me sitting here telling you about my day, who I talked to, who commented on LJ, the songs I listened to and the movies I watched? Well if you didn't get the movies and music, it's under the cut.
Mar. 22nd, 2005 @ 02:07 am Perhaps I spend too much time with my Jamaicans. . .
Current Mood: amused
. . .because I know I didn't talk like this before lol.
I'm in Walgreens, at the checkout. . .and have been there for some time because there is a line. Well I finally get to the register and Ionie - a rather nice older Jamaican lady who always compliments me on my manners because I always say please and thank you had been dealing with this younger Jamaican girl for some time and they were bantering back and forth in what could have been an insulting way, but there was a humorous tone to it. So I had been listening for a bit and I heard the younger girl say "Don't ya have a bigger bag, why you keep packing small 'ens" So I look over, smile and in the same humorous tone say, "Cha! Me know you not tell woman how she do ha job now ya!" And they look at me a second like they can't believe what just came out of my mouth and then busted out laughing. And they younger girl was like "Look at that, white boy got patois." So I come back and see Sophia on her balcony with her niece and I tell them what happened. Well, the niece doubled over with laughter and went inside. Sophia was like "Oh no, you talking Jamaican now. . .just don't go home and speak to you mama like that she be wonderin what we did to ya."
*chuckles* yeah, and it's not an isolated incident. I've noticed that if I'm around Jamaicans breaking off into patois, I tend to do it a bit too. . . for instance, we were taking Karyn's car back to the mechanic - Curtis - tonight. Well, he worked on my car a few weeks ago and some time before Karyn had introduced me as her half brother as she tends to do just to make people think. Now there are white Jamaicans, but not many. . . and yeah, Karyn is quite black and about 15 years older than me, so it's always funny to see people trying to figure that one out. Well she and Curtis were talking about family members battling cancer and stuff and Karyn was kind of joking around when it might be her turn. I just kind of interjected. "Dey no want ya yet. Cha! Dey take one look at ya coming and say 'Bumba clot go back, chi chi man got lot a hell yet to give ya!'" And Curtis just busted out laughing. . .apparently I am truly Jamaican in his eyes now since I busted out in Patois. . .
I must admit, I do find it entertaining. . . because apparently a white "chi chi man" or "battybwoy" is the last person they ever expect to break out in Patois. . .lol
So most of today wasn't exceptional. . . just a normal Friday. Then when I was on my way to Boca to pick up Karyn from work, my friend and classmate Jessica calls me and says Yeah, I met this guy last night and he called me today and said his friends bailed out at the last minute, but he has some extra tickets to Elton John's concert at the Office Depot Center tonight if you want to come. So let me tell you, Karyn and I hauled ass from Boca to make it back down in time.
It was a really good show. He did about an hour's worth of stuff from his new album coming out soon and then spent the rest of the 2 hours singing some of his older stuff. . . and yes, he sang my most favorite song by him ever, so I was ecstatic (lyrics of this song at the end of the post). There was an interesting mix of ages and orientations at the concert too. I was checked out like 8 times and I was just like Well, ok, I guess we can add Elton John concerts to the list of places where I will be checked out and such. And to make things even a bit more strange. After using the rest room I decided to step out on the balcony for a sec to have a cigarette and such and ended up in a brief, but fun conversation with 2 lesbians from Hollywood (that would be Florida, not California). So all in all, it was a really fun night. . . even if Jessica decided that she didn't like the boy too much, but I must admit I have to agree with her. I mean, he was nice enough. . .but there was just something about him that really annoyed the crap out of me, but then again, that could just be my mood lately. *shrug*
Anyway, I believe that is all for now. . .except for the lyrics of that song I was talking about. This was like my mantra for my junior year of college, and I must admit, still gets me to this day.
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mastertheshadow's journal
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